Relationship Hypocrisy

As we experience life and share it with the variety of other human beings around us, we are given an opportunity to choose who we want to be and who we want to have as a partner or friend. While it is true that our environment and roles set before us by our parents establishes a foundation for our personalities, I also see that we each have our own individuality. Each of my two brothers have something in common with me, aside from the same parents, we are as honest as anyone will find. This particular characteristic originates from our father, who is one of the most ethical and honest men I know. At age 46, I've noticed numerous individuals that consider themselves to be ethical and honest, only to find that they have no issue with taking a bite of fruit in a grocery store, swiping a piece of candy, or even pick up $10 off the ground and keep it for themselves. They think it's of no consequence, but they are hypocrites to suggest they are honest when indeed they are not.

While it is possible to have characteristics in our personality that is driven by our environment as we age, there are also characteristics that we have that are innate. Neither of my parents are capable of working with tools. They are intellectually sound but not necessarily have the interest or dexterity to use tools to fix various devices around the home; in fact they usually rely on others to repair various items in the home. But for me, I love using tools. I have always enjoyed looking at a machine and seeing how it operates, then tinkering with it. And the machine could be as simple as a bike wheel where spoke tension is used to maintain a wheel's true circular shape, or the intricacies of an electronic chip where I can use various measuring devices to understand how it works. Where did I get this gift? I suspect somewhere within my grandfather's background. Based on limited information I have from my father's cousins, my fraternal grandfather was fairly capable with tools. So it is possible then that genetic disposition is passed along in our personalities, a rather interesting effect. But considering how nature operates it makes sense. In a "survival of the fittest" realm, the innate behavior to be aware of our surroundings is with us; these were the early humans that survived the wildness of nature.

All of this seems to be going nowhere, but I have a reason for this post. Our personalities is what makes us individuals in society. Some of it learned, and some of it genetically implanted in our DNA. When I was married to my wife, getting together with my family was always a picnic. My wife would tell me that she didn't like the way my brothers would talk to me, and my brothers didn't like the way my wife talked to me. I was caught in the middle of a terrible tug of war. While my brothers tried to be accepting of me and my differences, what was interesting to me was that my wife would tell me, "I can call you an asshole but no one else can." My brothers didn't refer to me as such, but the relationship I had developed with them was not the ideal one either. While I was not too fond of being called an asshole, the underlying message was that they each loved me in their own way, but the method chosen to express that love was not necessarily the best. My wife was a hypocrite, but my brothers included me in their lives when possible.

I used to think this hypocrisy that I was dealing with my wife was unique to me, but it is not. In fact, it is more common than we know. After having been back on the dating scene for more than 3 years, and having lasted through a 20 year relationship with my ex-wife, I see this form of love all the time. The question is why do we need to express our feelings using such hypocrisy? Does it make us feel better because we are in control of our relationships? Does it make us feel better to know we are better than someone else? Or better yet, does it hide our own insecurities by pushing off our responsibilities to be a good person? Or is it easier to do this than the harder task of just accepting people for who they are? I suspect it's more of the last question than all the rest.

In one relationship, the lady I was dating said to me, "don't eat that or I won't kiss you after dinner." She was Jewish and fairly kosher in her eating habits, and was not interested in kissing me if I had eaten something with pork in it. It was fine to eat something with chicken and cheese, which I did, and then get a kiss, but not pork. Then there were other ladies I took to dinner once, and dared not go out again, because the pictures they had used at the online dating services were either 3 to 5 years younger, or 100 pounds lighter. But they each expected me to be accurate in my photo. One had the audacity to say that I had some gray hair that was not in the photo. When I told her that even in the photo she saw, I had my hair dyed, that was not enough. More hypocrisy and even more of a reason to not date any further. These ladies were hypocrites, and in some cases, more than I ever imagined. But one underlying issue they all suffered from was insecurity; they were so insecure with themselves they felt it acceptable if they lied about their looks, or their beliefs, or even their acceptance of others. In my mind, they were undatable.

So, as we go through life, it is important to find the right mate for a long term relationship. Good, healthy, and thriving relationships seem to find a basis in a few characteristics. One is integrity, which is kind of like virginity; once you lose it there's no getting it back. Hypocrisy is the easiest form of missing integrity to notice in a relationship. It is a harbinger of how continued dating with that individual is likely to not provide a healthy, long term, mate to share your life and life experiences.